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Have you ever avoided someone for fear of confrontation? Do you opt for a juicy argument over telling the truth to protect your vulnerability? Would you rather die than have a difficult conversation? If you relate to any of these communication strategies then you've stumbled in at the right time.
It has taken me a full decade to investigate, decode and revamp my communication skills in order to usher myself back to sanity. A big part of this hinged the remedial work of becoming emotionally fluent. What I had thought to be complicated and optional is in fact so much more simple, critical and mandatory.
In the following blog I'd like to offer you a method to implement that will improve the relationships you hold with yourself, your family, your coworkers, neighbors and the world at large while simultaneously shedding any form of dysfunctional communication that threatens your overall health.
As with Kamikaze pilots approaching their target, in approaching challenging and potentially life changing conversations there will be an undeniable element of that which feels like facing death. Yes, parts of you will die; These are the aspects that prevent true and clean joy from becoming your default. Transforming your mind into a Kamikaseyou set the stage - not for recklessness - but instead for reclaiming your honor and integrity.
I offer you the following as guideline and the way I am teaching myself and my children to communicate. Its simplified and standardized protocol lends determination, intention, surrender and courage (DISC) in the quest of 100% self-possession.
... it's time for a Kamikaze Conversation.
It has taken me a full decade to investigate, decode and revamp my communication skills in order to usher myself back to sanity. A big part of this hinged the remedial work of becoming emotionally fluent. What I had thought to be complicated and optional is in fact so much more simple, critical and mandatory.
In the following blog I'd like to offer you a method to implement that will improve the relationships you hold with yourself, your family, your coworkers, neighbors and the world at large while simultaneously shedding any form of dysfunctional communication that threatens your overall health.
bickersation
Bickersation was the model of dialogue with which I grew up. At it's best it was unpleasant. At it's worst it was traumatizing - imprinting vast confrontational, conversational, social and emotional deficits that lasted decades. I blame no one but my lineage of cave dwelling bickerers.
From generation to generation this style of communication evolved from grunts straight to a full fledged and perpetual nagfest. And because this is the model in which I grew up (as many of us did), I attracted a similar relationship (as many of us do) and leapt in due to its dysfunctionally comforting similarities.
In this lifetime however, I felt compelled to end this closed-circuited loop and rectify my own skills in hopes to present my children with a healthy, authentic and self-possessed model of communication. In doing so, we are learning how emotions are a valuable resource and ally that shed light on myriads of guidance markers leading to incredible authenticity.
When emotional fluency is taught at an early age children grow up as responsible and contributing members of society. When emotional fluency is under developed or misguided it results in an overcompensation of extrinsic coping methods leading to addictions on any level.
Adopting this strategy, not only will you develop a healthier relationship with yourself, you will also begin the process of relinquishing your patterns of addiction that are holding back from true joy, abundance and well-being.
In this lifetime however, I felt compelled to end this closed-circuited loop and rectify my own skills in hopes to present my children with a healthy, authentic and self-possessed model of communication. In doing so, we are learning how emotions are a valuable resource and ally that shed light on myriads of guidance markers leading to incredible authenticity.
When emotional fluency is taught at an early age children grow up as responsible and contributing members of society. When emotional fluency is under developed or misguided it results in an overcompensation of extrinsic coping methods leading to addictions on any level.
Adopting this strategy, not only will you develop a healthier relationship with yourself, you will also begin the process of relinquishing your patterns of addiction that are holding back from true joy, abundance and well-being.
getting real
In the following blog I will delineate a no bullshit approach to what it will take for you to dismount your old, outmoded stories and get real with the time you have left on this planet to straighten out your affairs. What you don't do in this lifetime you'll have to address in the next...so get over yourself and start shoveling. Yes, you've gone astray. Own it. Commit to the process of coming home to yourself no matter what.
D.I.S.C.
Your first course of action is to prepare mentally for this work. Think of the word DISC which stands for Determination, Intention, Surrender, Courage. DISC will become your super mantra if you are to succeed with your plan. The super computer you are I urge you to install this DISC onto your hard drive to implement as your new operating system. Repeat it every time you find yourself beginning to mull over a potential conversation in your head.
Determination to put the equal but opposite forces to work. As much effort as you exert on trying to neutralize the subconscious maelstrom, divert this course of energy instead to getting clear about what issues are at the core of your unrest. Suit up with determination to rid yourself from the static that is impeding your peace and joy.
Intend to become emotionally fluent (Hot tip: The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You by Karla McKlaren.) and get clear. Write down what it will feel like to be back on your true path.
Surrender yourself to the point where you feel pushed to the edge of a Samurai warrior by inhabiting complete self loyalty and honor until death. Old parts of you will die and new parts will emerge for you and everyone else involved. You set in motion a swift recalibration for yourself and require/inspire others to do the same.
Courage to speak and act your truth from a place of heart-centered integrity.
Your first course of action is to prepare mentally for this work. Think of the word DISC which stands for Determination, Intention, Surrender, Courage. DISC will become your super mantra if you are to succeed with your plan. The super computer you are I urge you to install this DISC onto your hard drive to implement as your new operating system. Repeat it every time you find yourself beginning to mull over a potential conversation in your head.
Determination to put the equal but opposite forces to work. As much effort as you exert on trying to neutralize the subconscious maelstrom, divert this course of energy instead to getting clear about what issues are at the core of your unrest. Suit up with determination to rid yourself from the static that is impeding your peace and joy.
Intend to become emotionally fluent (Hot tip: The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You by Karla McKlaren.) and get clear. Write down what it will feel like to be back on your true path.
Surrender yourself to the point where you feel pushed to the edge of a Samurai warrior by inhabiting complete self loyalty and honor until death. Old parts of you will die and new parts will emerge for you and everyone else involved. You set in motion a swift recalibration for yourself and require/inspire others to do the same.
Courage to speak and act your truth from a place of heart-centered integrity.
kamikaze + conversations
Imagine how the Kamikaze Pilots must have felt prior to suiting up for their mission. In World War II, 3860 pilots died with 19% hitting their targets actively disabling the enemy ship. The tradition of death as opposed to capture, defeat, and perceived shame was deeply embedded in Japanese military culture. Loyalty and honor was one of the primary traditions in the samurai life. A Kamikaze pilot's surrender in the act of a strategic military maneuver was seen as the ultimate sacrifice and was an overall marker of success in one's lifetime.
what is a kamikaze conversation?
A Kamikaze Conversation (KC) is a conversation you initiate where you'd rather die than speak your truth. It is a three sentence formula that hinges on emotional fluency, personal integrity, truth and vulnerability while effectively deactivating the participant's defensiveness and resistance. A successful KC mission is when you witness the death of your outmoded patterns. In it's place, a sense of clean relief is felt almost instantaneously.I offer you the following as guideline and the way I am teaching myself and my children to communicate. Its simplified and standardized protocol lends determination, intention, surrender and courage (DISC) in the quest of 100% self-possession.
how to recognize the need for a kamikaze conversation
If you find yourself:- Avoiding someone to shield yourself from feeling the depths of your emotions
- Continually coming back to an unpleasant memory that alters your mood for the worse
- Reaching for your addiction of choice (i.e. food, sweets, alcohol or drugs, sex) to preoccupy, distract and numb yourself for temporary relief
- Becoming a workaholic to distract you from an unpleasant situation at home
- Becoming an over exerciser to give yourself the illusion that you are in control
- Developing an eating disorder to self medicate or self sabotage
- Repeatedly calling in sick to school or work
- Repeating the same victimized stories over and over
... it's time for a Kamikaze Conversation.
taking inventory of your kamikaze conversation cargo
We all have conversation clutter that we carry around with us. Some topics weigh more heavily than others. Some are held in iron-barred crates tethered down to the airplane's floor restraining a seething, slobbery and gruesome topic. Some are held tidily in lockers, some just annoyingly roll around clanging the sides of the fuselage.
Start noticing the issues that persistently arise for you that cause immeasurable sadness, anger, guilt, fear, remorse, anxiety or shame. Each time you feel one of these float through your KC Cargo bin take a moment to write it in an email to yourself or on a designated Note page on your phone. As this list begins to populate, mull over the instances and the people/relationships/consequent behavior that was affected. Pledge to yourself that you will address each and everyone of these issues after their prioritization.
Super charged with friction, in one fell stroke of insanity, Pilot YOU decides to put the plane on autopilot and take a nap. I'm talking a Rip van Winkle, addiction induced type of nap where when "wakeing" from this snooze you hope it will have all miraculously disappeared.
But it doesn't.
All the nit-noid, life-gone-awry, auto-pilot suckiness - years and years of bullshit accumulation is still staring you down with the weight of a sumo wrestler. In fact, there's such a pile it seems as though there is no hope in even trying to make even one thing right. Until, that is, the day comes where one of two things happen.
1.) You are ready to look Shana, Guy, Fiona, Don, Auggie and Annie square in the face to take inventory of how much they are throwing off your weights and balances.
2.) Time and time again you continue to sleep until Shana, Guy, Fiona, Don, Auggie and Annie decide to storm the cockpit and plunge the plane deep into the figuratively murky depths.
Those choosing option 1 please read on. Those choosing option 2 - you are hereby excused.
Once you have embraced the universal truths of these emotions I would recommend the following steps:
(Take your prioritized issues and work through the following guidelines one by one.)
1.) In one word, get clear about how you feel.
2.) In one sentence, describe why you feel this way?
3.) Request a time that works well for both you and your co-Kamikaze Conversationalist.
4.) Before the designated time go through the D.I.S.C. checklist.
5.) Thoughtfully close the exits to veer towards your addiction even if it's a spiritual override and deploy your DISC landing gear.
KC Sentence one:
I am feeling ___________________. (one word)
KC Sentence two:
I am feeling (one word used above) because ___________________________________________.
KC Sentence three: (use only one starter option or customize your own):
It's important for me to have this conversation with you because...
After a total of three or four sentences, stop. Allow your co-Kamikaze Conversationalist time to reflect and respond.
By giving yourself permission to show up with integrity, your co-Kamikaze Conversationalist will ideally feel energized to respond in kind. (Hot Tip: In order to compare apples to apples it works best if your co-Kamikaze Conversationalist would be willing to follow the same formula during which time each of you Hold Space for one another.)
Along with this process you are assured renewed creativity and inspiration as well as the permanent strategy for sound dispersal of fear, guilt, shame, anger and anxiety. With continued implementation you will also begin to recognize more quickly when you've taken on a interloping, emotional-bandwidth-munching stowaway. Your heightened and clean awareness delivers you into emotional fluency and integrity.
KC's have the capacity to heal and restore your health and well-being as they bring you back into alignment with your entitled state of joy. I promise.
acknowledging the passenger manifest of a kamikaze conversation
Shana Shame, Guy Guilt, Fiona Fear, Don Denial, Auggie Anger and Annie Anxious, have reserved their seats months in advance when the tickets were cheap. So cheap in fact, all of them are basically stowaways. So cheap that they were told to bring their own seat belts and salted pretzels. Each of them ooze over the size restriction and bulge into each others space, their muffintops mingling between the armrests.Super charged with friction, in one fell stroke of insanity, Pilot YOU decides to put the plane on autopilot and take a nap. I'm talking a Rip van Winkle, addiction induced type of nap where when "wakeing" from this snooze you hope it will have all miraculously disappeared.
But it doesn't.
All the nit-noid, life-gone-awry, auto-pilot suckiness - years and years of bullshit accumulation is still staring you down with the weight of a sumo wrestler. In fact, there's such a pile it seems as though there is no hope in even trying to make even one thing right. Until, that is, the day comes where one of two things happen.
1.) You are ready to look Shana, Guy, Fiona, Don, Auggie and Annie square in the face to take inventory of how much they are throwing off your weights and balances.
OR
2.) Time and time again you continue to sleep until Shana, Guy, Fiona, Don, Auggie and Annie decide to storm the cockpit and plunge the plane deep into the figuratively murky depths.
Those choosing option 1 please read on. Those choosing option 2 - you are hereby excused.
preliminary preparation for a kamikaze conversation
Keep in mind that rectifying a lifetime of built up debris will take more than just reading a 20 minute blog. For this reason, prior to tackling any KC, I highly recommend investing 30 days of your time brushing up and fleshing out your emotional lexicon by reading The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You by Karla McKlaren.Once you have embraced the universal truths of these emotions I would recommend the following steps:
(Take your prioritized issues and work through the following guidelines one by one.)
1.) In one word, get clear about how you feel.
2.) In one sentence, describe why you feel this way?
3.) Request a time that works well for both you and your co-Kamikaze Conversationalist.
4.) Before the designated time go through the D.I.S.C. checklist.
5.) Thoughtfully close the exits to veer towards your addiction even if it's a spiritual override and deploy your DISC landing gear.
6.) At the designated time when you know you will not be disturbed, make sure you have a neutral, safe and quiet location with comfortable seating facing one another.
7.) Deep breath x3how to start a kamikaze conversation
Initiate:"Thank you for making time for me. I have a Kamikaze Conversation that I'd like to talk with you about. This is very difficult for me and I really appreciate you being receptive to this. (Deep Breath x3).KC Sentence one:
I am feeling ___________________. (one word)
KC Sentence two:
I am feeling (one word used above) because ___________________________________________.
KC Sentence three: (use only one starter option or customize your own):
It's important for me to have this conversation with you because...
- I am curious about ...
- I love you...
- I recognize that...
- I 'd like to apologize...
- my expectations were ...
- I forgive you for...
After a total of three or four sentences, stop. Allow your co-Kamikaze Conversationalist time to reflect and respond.
By giving yourself permission to show up with integrity, your co-Kamikaze Conversationalist will ideally feel energized to respond in kind. (Hot Tip: In order to compare apples to apples it works best if your co-Kamikaze Conversationalist would be willing to follow the same formula during which time each of you Hold Space for one another.)
can a kamikaze conversation be held over the phone?
Ideally, no. Ironically, the more uncomfortable you can make this for yourself the more accountable you become for preventing future infractions. Do it in person and you will cauterize the old outmoded neural pathways from continuing this unhealthy, closed-circuited behavior.can a kamikaze conversation be texted?
Um. Totally NO.Fuel Efficiency
Each and every one of your KC topics, when systematically processed in the order you deem necessary, lightens your burden dramatically. With each KC you have the potential to increase your mile per gallon consumption from that of a Cargo Jet to that of a glider soaring on the thermals of joy. It makes you actually feel lighter and can become an all-natural high, non-caloric, enlivening alternative to over indulgence in food, sweets, alcohol, drugs or any addiction you used to distract and cope.Along with this process you are assured renewed creativity and inspiration as well as the permanent strategy for sound dispersal of fear, guilt, shame, anger and anxiety. With continued implementation you will also begin to recognize more quickly when you've taken on a interloping, emotional-bandwidth-munching stowaway. Your heightened and clean awareness delivers you into emotional fluency and integrity.
KC's have the capacity to heal and restore your health and well-being as they bring you back into alignment with your entitled state of joy. I promise.
Ask Yourself:
Who's the pilot here, anyway?
Julie Bowes - Metalsmith/Spiritual Facilitator/Mindful Movement Exec. Producer
P.O. Box 82
Sherman, CT 06784
203.240.4397
P.O. Box 82
Sherman, CT 06784
203.240.4397
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